July 7, 2015

Night has fallen. We sit in the grass, surrounded on three sides by mausoleum walls. Our backs exposed, open to the others, open to Pulaski, the buses and cars. No visible stars, just the lights of airplanes and the lights of the city diffused and reflected in the sky.

We are done with the goth of the evening. The amazing metal drone dirge feedback wall is over. Now we sit and watch weirdo cosmic gnosis. Wobegon finger picking with light percussion. Americana breaches atomic motes.

The two sit on stools and Daniel Higgs spiels of the universe and cosmos. With Gestures and lurches. Baffling and funny. Charming. This mellow night in July. Cool. Too cold for the five dollar beers. The grass against my calves. I sit on my canvas bag. My hands touch the blades of grass.

My friend is hunched over. Wrapped in sweatshirt, hood up. He draws with pen in his small notebook. A four legged animal that erupts in shapes of energy, swirls of form that overtake the remaining white space. This will be his offering. His gift to Daniel Higgs.

He pauses, sets pen and paper down. Leaves his bag and walks through the seated bodies. Weaving through blankets and lawn chairs. He stops to the left of the stage and kneels down. Motionless for minutes passing. His face briefly illuminated by the light of his phone. A quick picture. A moment. Another pause. Then he returns.

I am happy. And I am aware of being happy. Earlier in the evening, just after dinner, I began to feel the first pangs of panic creeping in. Guilt. Thoughts of not being at home with my family. Initial thoughts of what if. What if. What if I have a panic attack while out with my friend. But the fear isn’t there. I feel it in my stomach. The nervous energy floating above my wrists. But the fear isn’t there. I acknowledge my feelings. My body. Breathing. Listening to the music my friend is playing for me in the car. By the time we arrive, my panic body has diminished.

And I am in enjoyment. This damp grass. This cool night air. These airplane landing patterns. This twee cosmology music. Sung alone by Fumie Ishii, this beautiful penultimate song before saying goodnight.